A Plan to Build Self-Esteem and Confidence: Make (& Keep) Promises to Yourself

Whether it’s creating a to-do list of tasks we need to accomplish that day or setting a long-term goal, humans seem pretty adept at dreaming about their future. However, this article (along with a few others) states that 92% of people give up on their personal goals. While other articles may show a more modest percentage of 70%, it’s safe to say at least half the people who set goals for themselves don’t make it to the finish line. For the purpose of this post – a goal is a type of promise to ourselves, and it hurts to feel that we struggle to, or cannot, keep these promises.

Examples of promises to ourselves:

1. I’m going to eat healthier.
2. I’m going to lose weight.
3. I’m going to get enough rest every night so I can bring my best self to my day.
4. I’m going to go back to college so I can land a position in my dream career.
5. I’m going to make it a priority to save money so I can pay for my vacation, in cash.
6. I’m going to quit smoking.

Speaking from personal experience, when I make a promise to myself that I am unable to keep for whatever reason, a few seeds of self-doubt are planted. Allowed to grow, it can create deep-seated feelings of failure, insecurity, and hopelessness.

For the past few years I struggled to stick to a fitness routine to lose the 60 lbs. I had gained. While I remained sporadically active, it was unlike me to faulter when it came to physical activity. Viewing myself now with much kinder eyes, I had a lot of other things pulling at me that made it challenging to achieve my goals. A family, a sick parent, COVID, depression, low-self esteem…most of the time, I was simply surviving. When one is completely overwhelmed or in “survival” mode, it is hard to set large goals and keep them. I don’t recommend it – goals and promises can come with grace and love for ourselves.

Here’s me, down 20 lbs. of the 60 lbs. I had gained.

I had been beating myself up for a couple of years and believed that I couldn’t finish anything I started. That I’d never get to where I wanted to be, I’d never have the life I wanted, I’d never…never…never… Shaming myself for my struggles felt nothing short of counterproductive and seemed to only compound my problems. Relatable?

Here’s the point in this chapter of my self-confidence lesson plan:

1. Start with a small promise to yourself. Super tiny, for example: I will move my body in some way today that is out of my ‘norm’. I will drink half of my can of Redbull today. I’m going to smoke one less cigarette than normal today. I am going to spend 10 minutes before bed reading tonight in an effort to wind down before going to sleep.

Now, keep that one small promise and allow yourself feel happy with that. High-five yourself…do a little happy dance. Celebrate that you did what you said you would!

2. The next day, keep that same, small promise, and keep doing that every day until it is no longer a promise but a habit.

The more you notice and praise yourself for keeping your promises the more you will see and feel your confidence building. Think about it: When you meet someone new, you don’t automatically trust them, right? No – you wait for their words and actions to prove to you that you can. It’s the same with ourselves – if our words and actions line up, if we can do what we promise we will, we begin trusting ourselves more. Building trust builds confidence.

3. Saying it again: don't add more promises until you've built a habit. You may be on a very shaky bridge at first – don’t add more weight to it. Each time you keep your promise, look in the mirror and be proud of yourself and it can be tempting after a few days to add another task to the list. Keep in mind that if you pile on too many things at once it can become overwhelming. People crave comfort and feeling overwhelmed is uncomfortable, while our old routines and mindsets may feel safe to retreat to. That doesn’t mean it’s healthy for us to go back – remember why you’re here and why the changes you want to make are important.

4. But what happens if I can't keep my promise? Then start even smaller. Start with drinking a glass of water before reaching for your coffee in the morning and give yourself grace because not every day is going to be perfect. Our energy naturally fluctuates and we cannot control what life throws our way. Recognize where you may have been able to do better (without passing judgment) and recognize where you simply did your best (and praise yourself for that). Sometimes “our best” one day is “worse” than the next. It’s life and it happens to everyone. The next day? Try again and keep trying. The more you keep trying and perfecting your ability to keep your promises, the more you will trust and build your confidence within yourself.

Back to the relationship analogy above – while positive relationships with others are important, the one you cultivate in yourself is the most vital and the most life-changing.

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