A Plan to Build Self-Esteem and Confidence: Identifying Your Needs

In my last BLOG, I discussed how important it is that as you’re building your self-confidence to have people in your corner, cheering for you. In this segment of my self-confidence lesson plan, which is based entirely off of my own personal experiences, I’d like to share something I did that was uncomfortable, yet revolutionary: Identifying my needs, especially when it came to my relationships.

Again, I’m a huge fan of journaling; having a steady journaling routine has allowed me to really get to know myself on deeper levels. Journaling is how I got to the foundation of my basic needs when it came to my interpersonal romantic and non-romantic relationships. By identifying my needs, I began to take up space, without apology. I was no longer able to settle for whatever crumbs people and circumstances were giving me – and I accepted crumbs for much of my adult life. Since acknowledging my needs, if I found something didn’t meet my requirements, I would accept that it simply wasn’t for me. I was also able to release my resentment toward those who didn’t fulfill those needs, especially if it was prior to my ability to make them known. Think about it: How can you be angry with someone for not meeting your needs if you never told them what they were?

Allow your needs to take up space in you and in your life. Allow them to grow into the baseline of what you accept into it. Know that you deserve to have your needs met and pull in the welcome mat for anything below that. It may feel weird or painful at first but that’s change, baby. Developing new thought patterns isn't easy work but it's necessary for growth. You may also find that the types of people and things you used to entertain will take turns knocking at your door. However, your ability to recognize these as tests – sent to make sure you’re paying attention – will have a hand in determining your success and ultimately building your self-esteem.

In case you are wondering what your needs may even be, I will give you examples of mine in hopes that it may help:

1. Consistent energy. I do not want to have to question a potential partner’s interest in me. Comin’ in hot, only to begin leaving texts or calls unanswered, doesn’t meet my requirement of consistency.
2. Emotional connection before sexual intimacy. In prior relationships, I was shamed for my apparent lack of a sex drive. What was missing was an emotional connection; I needed to feel one with my partner. I needed to feel emotionally safe and valued and I had to accept the importance of this need for me, in a world where sex is merely one swipe away.
3. Open communication – especially about difficult topics. Before I met my current partner, I went on a few dates with a wonderful person. While it didn’t work out, they set the bar when it came to communication. Right from the start, we tackled subjects that most people would shy away from or become offended by. By setting the standard, I met my current partner who raised that standard even higher. [She even put a ring on it and I said yes!]

Lastly, I wanted to share an unanticipated byproduct of accepting the validity of my needs: I stopped taking rejection personally. I developed the confidence to realize that my love, affection, and attention are gifts – gifts I get to choose to give away when my basic needs are met. This is also what I hope for you – do not accept anything less.

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