Cheers…to myself.

We are coming up on the end of 2022 and all I can really say is that I survived it. I didn’t thrive, nor wow. I didn’t succeed or fail. I just…hung in here.

I’ve been single since my separation at the end of July. I’ve talked to a few people and recently went on a couple of dates, although nothing has panned out beyond that. It isn’t because of any one common reason except that each experience brought a lesson to light for me; something about the interactions reminded me of an event or feeling in my past, forcing me to acknowledge that I wasn’t going to get anywhere by participating in “old Stacey” habits.

Old Stacey habits:

1. Tolerating less than I deserve. Read my texts but disappear, only to come back when it is convenient? I’m not going to give people my attention who cannot and do not reciprocate. Entertaining all attention thrown my way was something for my 20’s – definitely not for me approaching 40.
2. Latching on to someone who makes me feel sexy and desirable. I’m worth more than what my body can provide and I want the whole package, not just the part of it. I want the whole thing!
3. Making excuses for people. Can’t make intentions known, even when I ask directly? I’m not interested in potentially starting a relationship with anyone who can’t articulate their wants and needs and respect mine.
4. Taking on “project people”. I will need my next partner to be a whole person on their own, not someone I need to fix, take care of, lift up, provide what they need to succeed, motivate or inspire. It isn’t my job to make life happen to you, especially as we are just getting to know one another. Piggy-backing off of this, I should not have to carry the entire conversation. Conversation is give and take – questions and answers. Funny anecdotes and random insights. It is a two-lane street.
5. Jumping from one relationship to another, even if the new one doesn’t quite fit and/or is full of red flags.
6. Not speaking up for what I need (which ties into #3). Historically I’ve taken whatever I was given and have not, until my separation, spoken out loud what it is that I need. Acknowledged my love language. Thought about my attachment style. Reconciled what I did and didn’t receive throughout my childhood and formative relationships. If I can consider someone else’s needs I definitely need to be conscious of my own – always.

I’ve been in relationships much of my adult life. Perhaps this should be #6 – because perhaps that’s a problem. Maybe I need to just date myself; focus on myself, my goals, and treat myself the way I want to and need to be treated. My identity and value as a person has always been attached to another and, at this point in my life, the bottomless well I’ve seemingly kept for others is empty. It’s time to pull buckets of fulfillment up for myself.